Losing My Mind,,,
In the blink of an eye, life as lovely as it may will change and become a formidable challenge. Sanity will vanish, eyes fill with tears, hearts broken by sorrow. Well, you will need to be familiar with and know this pain to understand why disappearing sometimes feels like the ideal escape from all this hurt.
No one ever explains to us what weight emptiness can cause in our lives however we are told that in the event when chaos becomes part of our world whatever it may look or sound like, we should cease the moment, be still and pray!
Hmm…
At some point in life, we each will be faced with the realities of our own anarchic situations, may it be illness, lies, infidelity, mistreatment, death of a loved one, or just a moment of self-suspicion, all of which will cause our inner fire to go out and leave us on the brink of insanity. It’s at this point we feel like nothing makes sense anymore and we lose our spark, our ability to parse life and everything that we once held sacred becomes empty, grim, and hopeless.
It’s in this episodic meantime that we find our inner beings conforming to the pressures, doing exactly what it needs to deal with the ever-changing tides of life. But despite all the struggles, despite all the inner conflicts let’s try our best to not allow ourselves to linger in the mess, the empty noise, in that state of insanity for too long.
Remember nothing in this life is permanent and when you least expect it, you will burst into flame again, either by a chance encounter with another human being or through much needed prayer. Always be thankful for the people in our lives who are ever present to rekindle our inner spirit… our inner spark …thank you!
Today let’s take a moment to reflect and keep in mind the many souls who have been designed and ordained to cross our paths on this soul-searching journey. May it be as a grand gesture or as a personal experience let us be eternally grateful.
I am thankful and grateful today for this ordained experience with a total stranger who for reasons beyond any grand gesture saw through my bruises and scars and so willingly gave me the best piece of conversational advice I so desperately needed.
Well tonight as all the steam of my busy days settles, I too am forced to take a moment and sort through my scars and mourn the death of my mother, a pain that makes everything about life and time seem so freaking final. Yes, I know there are so many others living through the nightmare of losing a loved one or loved ones and nothing done or said can ever ease this pain, no mask to hide this hurt. I honestly don’t think people realize how difficult it is to explain this ache in your heart or try to tell them what’s really going on in your mind, when truthfully you don’t understand all this shit yourself.
I’ve asked myself over the past weeks so many questions and for me the scariest part of this scourging pain is watching as I slowly lose myself completely in this anger, this pain …in my insanity.
The naked truth to all these unwelcomed voices, the absences that breaks your heart and that terrible feeling of just being a failure for not proving to you that it was okay to love me, that I am different from what your nightmares looked like and now I feel cheated that I will never find that peace to convince myself that I deserve love.
All this bull shit now finally sinking in as I lay awake knowing that no matter how much tears I cry and how many why’s I freaking ask you my mother will never return to give me another chance… another moment in this lifetime to prove to you that I am worthy. sigh
I know to survive all this pain and the many absences in my life presently, I will have to find a place to drown all this pain in the empty noises of my mind as I grasp the reality of slowly losing my ability to see life the same again but for now I will be still and pray!
