I know there are millions of people somewhere out there, either surrounded by family and friends or some sadly all alone, suffering from the same heartbreak of missing someone who they love dearly.
Yes, we each collectively have lost so much especially these past few years of covid and from many other unfortunate circumstances. Some of us more than others but these past few years has taught us that there is no such thing as another life being better than ours, because all of us somehow, have been touched by pain, or one day will be! That feeling of lost, a pain so deep… the deepest of all hurt.
Today I want to be selfish and untamed with this unbearable pain. Today I want to sit on a deserted beach, or walk these empty streets uncaged with this hurt. I want to scream and cry, and ask God why?
I want to stop this annoying pretense of feeling okay, that I am stronger than I feel so others around me can be comfortable. I want to give in to this scourging pain that now envelopes my inner being, a pain so deep that it demands my soul’s attention every minute of the day for the deepest pain are the ones that we carry inside where no one else can see.
Oh God, I miss him.
Jesus, I need him here…
I now know how wrong I was to think that you would always be here… you see you’re my hero! The one constant in my life, you were what I knew love looked like, always there to make it right but now you’re the brightest star lighting up the skies above.
I somehow convinced myself that God knew how much you were needed and would spare us from this pain, but the damage has been done …. how could I have known that you would have to go so fast. I don't know how to move on from that day, or how to hide the scars from the memories that remains. It’s so hard going through this life without you, still cannot believe that you’re truly gone.
Dear Lord, what have you done?
Wishing there was a way… another chance, in another time to start our lives over again, change all the wrongs we thought we had time to make right. Say all the things we needed to say.
This goodbye is just too hard to bid.
Missing you hurts so bad…
I wish you can see us from where you are. I hope you still hear when I call out your name.
Did you hear when I pleaded for God to send you back? Ooh how I wish God would allow you to visit from heaven and tell us that you’re okay. I worry about you all the time; I wonder if you are alone somewhere, confused and cold. I still look at your number, wanting to call but too afraid of the quietness I will find on the other side.
Do you still think of me?
Ooh how I miss your smile?
Shee… I can still hear your voice…
How I long to see your face again, pick up from the last time we spoke. Say all the things we meant to say and tell you how proud I am to call you my big brother!
But for now, I will live in our memories because I know one day beyond this pain, there we will be, giving all the smiles and hugs we forgot to give and say all the things that has been left unspoken.
Yes, we’ve all heard that “time heals all wounds!” Nope I don’t believe such! Time will pass and with time maybe we will learn how to better tolerate the pain, still the deep wound remains.
I know big bro you're still there somewhere watching over us! I love you… Still today I am not ready to bid you goodbye, until then my sweet brother good night!
